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a ball to roll around
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by robert g allman
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i lost my sight when i was four years old by falling off a box car in a freight yard in atlantic city and landing on my head. now i am thirty-two. i can vaguely remember the brightness of sunshine and what colour red is. it would be wonderful to see again, but a calamity can do strange things to people.
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it occurred to me the other day that i might not have come to love life as i do if i hadn' t been blind. i believe in life now. i am not so sure that i would have believed in it so deeply, otherwise. i don' t mean that i would prefer to go without my eyes. i simply mean that the loss of them made me appreciate the more what i had left.
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life, i believe, asks a continuous series of adjustments to reality. the more readily a person is able to make these adjustments, the more meaningful his own private world becomes. the adjustment is never easy. i was bewildered and afraid. but i was lucky. my parents and my teachers saw something in me ����a potential to live, you might call it ����which i didn��t see, and they made me want to fight it out with blindness.
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the hardest lesson i had to learn was to believe in myself. that was basic. if i hadn't been able to do that, i would have collapsed and become a chair rocker on the front porch for the rest of my life . when i say belief in myself i am not talking about simply the kind of self-confidence that helps me down an unfamiliar staircase alone. that is part of it. but i mean something bigger than that: an assurance that i am, despite imperfections, a real, positive person that somewhere in the sweeping, intricate pattern of people there is a special place where i can make myself fit.
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it took me years to discover and strengthen this assurance. it had to start with the most elementary things. onc e a man gave me an indoor baseball. i thought he was mocking me and i was hurt . "i can' t use this," i said. "take it with you," he urged me," and roll it around. "the words stuck in my head." roll it around!" by rolling the ball i could hear where it went. this gave me an idea how to achieve a goal i had thought impossible: playing baseball. at philadelphia' s overbrook school for the blind i invented a successful variation of baseball. we called it ground ball.
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all my life i have set ahead of me a series of goals and then tried to reach them, one at a time. i had to learn my limitations. it was no good to try for something i knew at the start was wildly out of reach because that only invited the bitterness of failure. i would fail sometimes anyway but on the average i made progress.
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